Seasons come and seasons go.
Sometimes there is simply a time to wait. A time to not GO. A time to stop moving. This does not mean that it is a time to DIE, but simply to WAIT. To let time pass without sprinting, without wanting, without striving.
The world moves so fast these days. I find myself clashing the pace of the busy coffee shop. I like the ones where the person behind the bar wants to simply chit chat, rather than feel the pressure of “speed of service” – why the hell is that such a “value” in out culture anyway? It is rubbish!! We rush to and fro. Onto the next meeting. More money so we can buy more things we are too busy to enjoy…..(OK tangent and I should probably take out that cuss word before I post this)
It is in the waiting that we are shaped. It is in the waiting that we see who we really are. We see what we run to when we feel lonely. When we feel the world doesn’t make sense. When we feel that things may not have worked out how we planned….even though we never really planned things out….yet we all have some idea of what things “should” look.
This idea of how “things are suppose to be” is shaped by so many things. Culture, family, TV (God save us), the internet, the people next store; but honestly the hardest thing in life is that we each have decisions to make. Yes, Yes, I know there are certain things that are simply out of our control, but if you come from the west, you really have a lot of choices.
The things I see that hold people back, including me, are: fear, unbelief (which is basically fear), lack of confidence(well I guess that is fear too), fear of failure (again fear), fear of death (yep fear!). Oh I hate FEAR!!
We do everything we can to “preserve” our lives and avoid any form of “suffering.” I mean there are a million products out there to “keep you looking young.” We do so much to simply numb ourselves from any form of pain. I am afraid that many of us have become numb to life itself!!
Well, I want to feel! Sometimes I am up and other times I am down. It seems like it changes so easily at times. Maybe I have opened myself up to feeling. To feeling pain, joy, loneliness, peace. When I am at peace in my soul, nothing else really matters. I wish I could say that I dwell in that peace every day, but the reality is that it is not true….life is just hard at times.
Waiting. June 2012. This is my first JUNE in North America since 2004. I have not realized how much I have changed and grown in these years of travel. I have become a different person than I once was. I keep trying to compartmentalize each year and each journey around the world that took place, but reality is/was it was all one big trip….and we are not done yet. It was all one continuous journey with many ups and many downs. I don’t talk about the downs to much, cause I don’t want to get stuck there, but there were many downs and that is simply the reality of life.
Journey. I have traveled. This has shaped me. My journey with God. He is my HOPE. He is the HOPE that holds onto me, when I am hopeless, which is probably a lot more than you think (I tend to focus on the positive). I have had many hopeless moments where I was barely hanging on.
Maybe I am writing this now to remind you that you are not alone in your fear. You are not alone in your pain, in your loneliness, in your doubts, or your unbelief. I have been there, and I know now that the LORD was with me each and every time I found myself at the edge. Each and every time.
For that I am grateful!!
Grateful for this HOPE that has had its grip on me for some time. For the FATHER has always been there through all my journeying. Oh I have journeyed. Coming close to the edge and back again. Comforted by HOPE. In the midst of every valley, every mountain, and every barren land.
PEACE is my desire….knowing I am gripped by HOPE.
Hope for more. HOPE for ETERNITY. Surely this will all pass away. May I simply leave some ripples behind of a man who loved well.
(note to self: late night journal entries are the best….note to self: make you you edit at another time before posting :))