Simply click: I Am Hungry to listen.
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I want new revelation. I want new, restored love. I want my HOPE to come back in full force. (This is going to be an honest one)
I simply want JESUS. Not because I have stumbled into this “vocation” of ministry/missions and “going”; the reason I find myself in this place is simply that first love I found when I was a kid. Parents fighting, home in somewhat turmoil and somehow Jesus got a hold of me. He held me in His arms and has never let me go. I want to go back to that place of being a kid, dwelling in His arms. I do not think I had revelation of His love back then, but He did grip me. Not sure how it happened, but it did, and He has been there all a through the ups and downs of life.
I have been in somewhat of a winter; somewhat of a wilderness if you will…but I gotta be getting to the end of this at some point. There should be some new buds coming soon.
As the weather gets physically colder on this side of the planet, I long to step to the place where it is warm. Where my heart is alive again.
Not fighting to survive, but fighting because that is how He made me. Not to make a living in ministry, but rather to make an IMPACT in the world.
I am tired of fighting the wrong things. Tired of loosing the battles, tired of functioning in my own strength. I’m done.
Yet I seem to somehow still hold on…I think I am due for a good cry at some point. And when it comes, O how good it will be.
I want to encounter the depths of God.
I feel I have been looking in the wrong places lately… as I find myself wondering through this wilderness of transition.
Yes the last few months have been tough, but it feels good to know that all I can do, all I need to do is turn to the Lord, my first love. He is there. He is here. Longing to embrace me, His son.
That brings me back to the moment: I AM HUNGRY. Sitting here in the midst of a community centered around prayer; seeking the face of GOD. The thing about being around people that spend many of their waking hours in prayer and worship is that you get the opportunity to do the same.
I am hungry. There is something within me crying out for my first love. Fighting against the voices inside me striving for approval and validation. Letting go of the voices that say I have to produce something. He has drawn me out in this time to BE at His feet.
My greatest desire is to be a MARY-sitting at the feet of Jesus [Luke 10:39]. Yet I am fighting to let go of the Martha within that wants to DO. He has called me out in this time, this transition to sit and BE loved by Him.
It has been a bumpy road. And for that I am grateful. This tension I feel, is good. The hunger in my belly, it is good. The emptiness; it is good.
The fervor that things cannot continue the same; it is o so good.
I cannot function as I have. I cannot go on the same. It is time for a change. Time for a “reseting” of things.
I am hungry. I want to pursue God simply because I love Him, not because it has become my “paid vocation.”
I guess I am confessing that I do not have it all together. Newsflash, you probably all knew that already, but for some reason I feel that I have to keep that front up in my line of work.
It’s time to LET GO once again and return to the start. To the place were all vision comes from; the beauty of JESUS.
Where will I go from here?!? Honestly I feel like I have no idea, but I am not worried about it anymore, at least not at 11:17pm on this refreshing evening.