room to be a mess

I am very happy about today.  It is the last day of February!  Yes it is a LEAP YEAR and that is kinda cool, but honestly I am just ready for a new month.  Ready to be done with February and move on.  I feel like I was just a mess throughout this month.  Knowingly not being where I want to be in my walk with Jesus.  Knowingly and unknowingly stumbling.  Not knowing how to get out of the “funk” I found myself in.

Only to have a glimpse at the calender and a glimpse at my own existence.  Knowing I will continue to fail, yet being able to look in the mirror, grasp reality and move on.  Tomorrow is a new day, TODAY is a new day for that matter!! But it does simply feel good to look at the calender and see a 1 starring at you.  A new start.  Even though it is the same life, the same existence, the same realities of life I find myself in the midst of – it is refreshing.  I am ready to LET GO of February and move on.

I was talking with a couple good friends yesterday and they both helped me to get a little “perspective.”  One simply reminded me of the need for community (we ALL need others to lift us up) and the other reminded me to not be to hard on myself.  She said you have to give yourself a little “room to be a mess.”

These thoughts were/are both very refreshing.  By having lunch with one and a phone conversation with the other I was refreshed by community.  And the GRACE to be a MESS in the midst of life’s immediate trials was also refreshing.  I mean I have been through a lot the last few weeks with my family.  My dad was just killed in a car accident unexpectedly (Dec 10,2010).  Time, seasons, LIFE.  No one ever said it would be easy, nor did I ever expect it to be.

Yet DEATH is a hard thing to face.  Unexpected death may even be harder.  You are not “ready” for it.  Yet are you ever ready to face death?  I honestly think it is easier to face my own death than that of a loved one.  Dealing with how it hits different members of your household, both extended and close.

For me, in my own journey I am not afraid of death.  I understand that life is temporary and our time here on this planet is only a glimpse of reality.  A glimpse of ETERNITY.  I am not afraid of “dieing for the gospel” or going to far off “perceived dangerous” lands.  Honestly I would love to go to the places that most people think are sooooo dangerous.  That does not scare me.  Rather it excites me!!  Ooooh how close can I get the action!!  How close can I get to the people who need to know they are loved and not forgotten on whatever corner of the planet they may dwell.  Yet it is things like marriage and commitment that scare the $hit out of me, if I am really honest.

DEATH.  It truly is a part of LIFE…… side-note: how the heck did I end up talking about this?!?!?  I was just trying to get through February and move on!!

It is in the midst of my own humanity that I write this.  Yes I love Jesus.  Yes LIFE is hard.  Yes I do not have it all together.  YES I need community.  YES I do need to give myself the SPACE TO BE A MESS and not have it all together.  YES I need to return to the CROSS, whatever that even means.  YES I embrace the reality of the agony of JESUS.  YES through that I AM HEALED.  YES through that my dad now feels NO MORE PAIN.  Yes HE TRULY IS FREE.

Late night SELF-PORTRAIT