Wednesday. April 23. 2013 San Diego, CA
2:23pm As I was driving, well actually while I was getting gas, which is a bit of a mission for my car (I have to actually stand there and pump it till it is full…no auto filling this car, due to a little issue with the fuel tank.) I took the forced moment to think. In the last few days it seems like I have constantly been “escaping”. As the gas tank was filling, I thought about the current day and the last few. It seems like a bunch of people around me have also had a “tough” few days. Honestly no real reason to explain it.
Then I thought; last week was a pretty rough week, in regards to the world and America. Bombs in BOSTON, fertilizer plants blowing up in Texas, people dying, here in America on our home soil.
I feel like I have been reading a lot of information the last week; some good, some facts, some speculation, some repetitive. Videos, information, media. In the midst of it I am reminded that I am a consumer of whatever I look at on the little glowing screen I find in front of me. This can be good and this can be negative. Often I have trouble when it is time to go to sleep to shut the computer and close my eyes. I want to consume more. To intake more, yet in the back of my mind I know there are much better things to be intaking than what I am letting myself examine on the computer screen.
This brings me back the the “feeling” of not necessarily being good. EMOTION. The thought that came to mind, as I reluctantly pumped the gas for my Subaru, that humans are emotional beings. Yeah, big news flash I know. Maybe part of the “funk” I am feeling and maybe other people are well is simply the backlash of emotions from a tough week of events.
I am learning about emotions right now in a few of my close relationships. And attempting to look in the mirror in this area and grow in my understanding. As a guy, I often find it hard to express my emotions. I do not consider my self a tough bloke by any means, yet I find it hard to know what to do when I “feel” frustrated, angry, or sad. Yes I know, as I write this I may have some people say I need to get help or something; and maybe that is true. Or maybe we all need to “get help” and you, reader, are finding it comforting to hear that there is someone else out that that often feels like a mess.
Emotions. Feelings. A good friend of mine a few years ago kept quoting one of his university professors in saying, “Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just tell you what you value.” There seems to be a lot of wisdom in that statement. I still do not always understand my own feelings, or those of the people closest to me.
It is funny how we are the most “real” / “raw” with the people closest to us. The ones we love are the ones we are far more likely to hurt with our words or actions. Probably cause our guard is down and we are allowing ourselves to…
(slight facebook random waist of 5 minutes there….back to writing and not visually consuming from the glowing screen)
The best thing I do when I feel a little funk, or frustration is go for a SURF; this is the beauty of living in Southern California. For me it is the physical activity that brings refreshment. The movement of the body, the reminder that GOD is real and HE is most likely found in nature when we get out of the concrete confines we create for ourselves. (yes maybe this is turning into a rant…but oh well – I need to rant right now)
From Rant to RETURN. Jesus Here I am. Hear me now.
I don’t know how to “fix” the broken world around me.
I don’t know how to simply get up from the place of being broken.
But I have learned at least one thing from the last decade of my transient life – I CAN TRUST YOU. When it seems like there is no “solution”, when I am frustrated, angry, sad, uncertain, scared, afraid, insecure, in over my head, or cruising…I can TRUST You.
You are the ONE who holds me up.
When LIFE happens.
When war rages.
When death seems to abound.
When emotions are high.
You are PRESENT.
Forgive me for running and squandering the gift of your PRESENCE.
Thank You for always taking me back.
Thank You for never leaving.
for never turning Your back, even when I am off consuming media on a little glowing screen when I should simply roll over and rest in Your PRESENCE.
This is my RETURN today. I will probably have to RETURN again tomorrow when I RISE. Yet now my FOCUS is returned. My eyes are on you. Even if only for this moment at 2:59 pm on a Wednesday afternoon at this little cafe. I RETURN.
I feel Your presence.
Your warmth in my HEART.
You sustain me.
I CAN TRUST YOU.
I CAN HOLD ON.
I CAN keep going.
Only because of You.
(Please note I am not saying that the internet, Facebook, or other media is bad by any means. I think these things are to be used for the Kingdom. I am simply trying to look in the mirror at my own consumption of these things and attempt to keep a right FOCUS in my own life.)